


hello my old heart

by ivylynn



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 17:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14982203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivylynn/pseuds/ivylynn
Summary: Janis wants to scream, to tell her that not everyone has been able to escape and see whatever sea or ocean they wanted to on a whim, to remind her that they've been living separate lives for a while now. all she says in the end is, "Fine. I'll make it lighter," before going out of the office, walking to her own without even closing Regina's door.





	hello my old heart

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song of the same name by the oh hellos.

Janis settles.

It's just how her life turns out, honestly, and she's too tired to alter course completely. She lives in a shitty apartment with a shitty roommate, and her shitty salary has increased only once in the five years she's been working.

Now. Or well, it didn't even increase, she was sought out by another company and accepted the position with minimal hesitation. Their promises of artistic freedom and better hours are probably going to fall through, but at least she'll be able to afford to move somewhere more decent in a few months if she saves up.

It's not ideal, but that's what settling does to your life. You live in a pit of desperately looking for a way out without searching for something different.

Her first day at the new company is utterly uneventful. She finds out she has a little team to lead, and her office is spacious, but the chair is a pain in her back that she'll have to change one day soon. It's not too different than her last position, but Janis can tell that the environment is at least a little better. It's a relief.

-

Damian tells her she'll love it! She's working at a magazine he has an actual subscription to, and he can see bright things in its future with her as a graphic designer for it.

"Have you met any of your co-workers yet?" He asks, leaning across the island in his kitchen. It sounds too curious, but Janis doesn't pay attention to that.

"A few here and there. Not too bad, but that's what I said at my last job." Janis shrugs; pessimistic, these days, about any new friendships.

The people she's known for the longest time have turned out to be the best company to keep. Cady lives in Chicago, still, but they see each other more often than Janis sees some people she knows in New York. Damian is there with her every step of the way—of course—and even Gretchen is a better friend to her now than her ex-co-workers.

"Oh, I'm  _ sure _ you'll find someone," Damian replies, winking at her. "It's an excellent magazine."

Janis decides to finish her drink instead of question his curious tone.

-

Everything moves smoothly at work, surprisingly enough. She has three assignments but no other obligations or things to do, so it doesn't seem like it'll be tough to do those.

She's met people around her, and her team especially—she even went out with the three of them, to a lowkey bar of their choice, and they were funny. Janis can't say much more about them, but it's important that they've found out they're all at least civil, if nothing more.

Around the middle of her second week at the magazine, people start whispering. It's not about her, she doesn't think so, but it's distracting. It's like everyone knows something she doesn't, and she's never been one to pry, but it seems like it's big.

So she asks Arthur—a guy on her team—all about it.

"I have a question," is never a great way to start a conversation, but Janis does so anyway. She doesn't wait for approval before posing it. "What's everyone whispering about?"

"You haven't heard?" He asks in turn, and Janis rolls her eyes. Like she would be questioning him if she had. She shakes her head regardless of it being obvious. "One of the lead editors has been in Paris for the past year and apparently she's coming back come Monday. She's amazing at her job, but a bit too strict with everything. People hate it."

Janis almost regrets asking in the first place: it's not nearly scandalous enough for people to be talking about it non-stop. "People should be doing what they're asked to in the first place."

"Weird, that's what she always used to say."

-

Monday rolls around slowly after a weekend of lazing around for Janis, and she goes in refreshed into the second week of her new employment. The office is nearly empty by the time she arrives, and it's not even that early, but it gives her the chance to go to the kitchen and make herself a coffee in peace.

She's more of a tea person herself, but there's not much better than coffee early in the morning.

She's still getting used to how dramatic people here can be, but the gasp she hears behind herself startles her enough to jump and turn around immediately. Maybe it's the combination of the early morning and no caffeine in her system that shocks her.

Or maybe it's the fact that Regina George is standing in front of her, same as ever. Janis has no idea what to say or if she should even say anything at all, but she doesn't need to think about it too much, because Regina is the one who speaks first.

"Janis," she starts carefully. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, just stealing coffee." Perhaps thinking before speaking is the smarter thing to do, but the response kicks in like a reflex. "What are  _ you _ doing?"

It's not the first time Janis sees Regina speechless, but it's certainly not something she's used to. Especially not after years of not hearing from Regina at all.

The next thing Janis knows, Regina is walking over to her and hugging her, and there's probably words to describe how she feels, but none come to mind immediately. Regina's never been a hugger—she used to get people to do it for her—but she's gotten better after senior year. It's forced now and almost too hesitant, not what Janis is used to.

But she still smells the same as she did all those years ago, and Janis melts into her embrace like that's where she belongs. When they part, she realizes that maybe it really is, and curses whatever destiny has cooked up for her because she's been doing just  _ fine _ without Regina.

"I'm a fashion editor here, I just got back from Paris," Regina finally explains after a long pause. "You work here now?"

"Yeah, second week here. Graphic design." The sentences Janis offers aren't full because that's all she can muster right now, and Regina seems to get it enough to step back and nod.

"Then I guess I'll see you around, Janis."

-

( Senior year brings forth changes Regina has never expected in her high school career. Cady's need to get everyone together overwhelms the group and lunches are spent at the same table in the cafeteria most of the days.

They start going to the same parties and drinking together a month into the year, and by December, somehow, they've mashed into a homogenic mass that no one's seen coming except for Cady. And Karen, perhaps.

Janis and Regina haven't talked alone past a couple of personal apologies (mostly Regina's, but Janis has made sure to apologise, too), so it's strange to spend most of the New Year's party together in Taylor Wedell's bedroom.

They make small talk at first, but it's more silence than conversation, and Janis easily gets tired of it, too impatient after a couple of glasses of vodka that she's had. "What are we doing here?"

Regina straightens her shoulders, pushes herself away from Janis and finds a different spot on the bed so that she can look at her. "I was under the impression we were talking."

"No, it's just..." Janis starts, but it seems to Regina that she doesn't know how to finish her thought. She takes in a deep breath and shakes her head. "We're not friends, we don't need to pretend like this is comfortable and better than the party downstairs."

"I wasn't pretending."

Janis sees, for the first time maybe, Regina with a genuinely surprised expression. She takes a step back in the conversation. "No, I meant... It's weird to just talk to you. We never really do that."

Regina is quick to add, "Maybe we should, then," like she's been waiting to say that for months. Maybe she has. "It's almost midnight, we should head downstairs."

"You go, I'll catch up later," Janis tells her, shaking her head. Midnight on New Year's Eve brings with itself traditions she's not likely to partake in, she doesn't really want to kiss someone she barely knows just to ring in a year.

"Oh come on, I saw the way you were looking at Rachel tonight, you can't tell me you wouldn't want to start your year kissing her."

"I most definitely can," Janis replies easily. "I don't want to kiss a girl I haven't talked to for more than two seconds."

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"Yes." )

-

"You  _ knew _ ," Janis exclaims before Damian can get a word in after he answers the phone. "I knew there was something suspicious about this whole thing and you being  _ so _ encouraging. You  _ never _ miss a chance to tell me I'm wasting my time with this 'graphic thingy'. But not this time, no."

Damian sighs on the other end of the line, and gives Janis a moment to collect herself. "Are you done being dramatic now? That's my role in this relationship. So what if I knew? I had my reasons for keeping it to myself."

"Yeah, because you're a hopeless romantic who can't get it through his head that it's been five years," Janis says, leaning against the wall of her office. She takes a deep breath in, because it's been five years. Because she hasn't thought of Regina in the longest while she can remember, and because she hasn't  _ needed _ to. Not because she forgot her, never that. "It's been five years, Damian."

"I know, honey. Has it been enough?"

Janis ends the call instead of replying, because he knows. He knows and Janis won't give him the satisfaction of saying it aloud.

Or maybe she's just refusing to admit that no, it hasn't.

-

They can't get out of one another's way somehow, in the first few days.

Janis is getting her lunch from the fridge when she turns and runs into Regina. She grunts, and Regina says, "Sorry," like she's the one who turned far too fast for anyone to be able to expect it. Janis mumbles that it's fine and leaves the kitchen, thinking it best to avoid it for a while.

Keeping her lunch in her office doesn't mean she avoids Regina, though, just like buying her coffee before work doesn't. They run into each other there, when Janis holds the door open for Regina to come in. They're both early for work, Janis because she wants to buy coffee, and Regina (Janis guesses), because she's obsessive about always being on time, if things haven't changed. So much has changed, though, so Janis doubts anything's stayed the same.

Anything but Regina's fashion sense, which has only evolved in college and then stopped like it's reached the height it's supposed to. Janis still thinks everything Regina wears is a little too tight, but she doesn't remember ever complaining about it, and she doesn't now. Not because she doesn't have a complaint, but because she has no right to say anything about it.

Meetings are always a place where both of them need to be, so they run into each other there. One day, they're sitting next to one another because they both come in after others, and Regina gets up to present a new line she wants to showcase in the magazine, but grazes Janis's arm on her way up and stops for a second. "Sorry," she tells her, and Janis shakes her head like it's nothing.

Janis has never believed in butterflies or a physical representation of feelings and tension, but she swears she feels electricity course through her whole body when Regina's hand passes along her arm.

-

( Regina learns to say sorry a lot more. It never leaves her lips fully willingly, but even thinking about it beforehand is a huge step forward. She starts with Janis and Gretchen, then Karen and Aaron, and falls back to Janis again. She knows Janis has forgiven her by November of their senior year, but doesn't stop until the start of the new year, when she just replaces it with other apologies.

She accidentally pushes Janis against the front door too hard when she starts kissing her one time, parts from her and winces. "Sorry," she says, not hesitantly but quietly still. Janis shrugs it off and continues kissing her, like nothing's even happened.

Janis shows her pictures of her newest piece at lunch one day, and Regina swipes to a different photo instead of zooming in. The photo is just her different painting, but Regina somehow feels like she's invaded her privacy even though she's seen all of Janis last night. "Oops, sorry," she raises her hands in regret.

"It's fine, you've seen that one when I was painting it," Janis answers nonchalantly, moving her phone back.

"I like them both," Regina says.

When Janis doesn't get accepted into her first choice school, Regina tells her she's sorry, and it's the first time it's not exclusively her fault. But because she is sorry that the school couldn't see the sheer talent in Janis' painting. "They'll be sorry," she tells her. "Let's go get some ice cream."

"Can we just... stay in for a while?" Regina gets the urge to fly to New York and punch whoever has made this decision in the face, not caring that she would likely break her knuckles doing that.

She settles down when she looks at Janis again, and only says, "We can do that," before pulling the girl to the bed where she holds her for the rest of the night. )

-

Cady texts Janis that Regina is back in the country, but she's being careful about it, walking around it for a while before Janis finally texts  _ I know Regina's back _ .

Cady texts back  _ How?? _ and Janis explains that they are, in a sick and twisted turn of events, working together. She adds that it won't be for long, probably, because she's thinking of finding a new place to work at.

_ In this economy? _ Cady answers back, and Janis laughs for the first time in a few days because it's a ridiculous thing to say. She could find a different job if she wanted to, but somehow, something is keeping her there. Maybe it's the artistic freedom she's been getting so far. Maybe it's the good pay. Maybe she's tired of searching for something she'll love more in the field she detests.

Or maybe it's that she's captivated by every place Regina walks in still, after all these years of being apart.

She curses the day they've met, the day they've fought for the first time, but most of all she curses the day she saw Regina flick her hair back and walk away from her, turning ever so slightly to add, "You coming?" and fell, fell, fell like it was her mission to fall.

No one warned her falling in love is as easy as the first hints of spring breeze, but she doesn't know if she would have even listened.

-

Somehow, it's everyone's business to let Janis know that Regina's back in the city. In the custody battle between their friends, she's won all their trust, but they've never really cut contact with Regina. After college, she's just been everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and Janis guesses it's the main reason why everyone is still talking to her.

Most surprisingly, Gretchen seems more on her side than Regina's. Janis never asks her to keep in touch, nor does she ever ask anyone to choose between them, but it seems like Gretchen is mad at Regina immediately after their break-up, and just naturally gravitates to Janis.

She FaceTimes her one night when Janis is half watching a Netflix comedy special, and half not paying attention to it at all. She hesitates before she answers, and then just says, "Hey."

Gretchen's, "Hi," is prolonged and high, like she's dreading the conversation they're about to have. "How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

Pity is the one thing Janis never wants to face, and Gretchen can't hide it for the life of her. She's not sure  _ why _ , or if it's that obvious, but Gretchen's expression conveys sorrow for her in a way that almost surprises Janis.

"I'm good. So... I heard you're working with... Regina," she says, pausing before the name for longer than necessary, like it'll hurt Janis to say it and she's just being careful. "How's it, you know, going?"

Janis finally pauses what she's watching and turns her whole attention to Gretchen. "Peachy!" Her pitch goes up and she shakes her head, biting her lower lip for a second. "Did  _ you _ know?"

"You never told me what magazine you were going to work for," Gretchen replies instantaneously.

"I'm supposed to be over her, right? I mean, it's been five years since college, she's been out of my life for a little less than that, I don't think I've seen her outside of Instagram in three years. This is insane."

Gretchen stays quiet, as if expecting Janis to add something, to make thing clearer to her. She doesn't push, she prefers to follow along someone's train of thought and be faced with all of the facts, but Janis can't give her that. She doesn't have the facts herself, how could she ever present them to Gretchen?

"I think what you and Regina had—it doesn't just disappear because one of you's decided it's not good anymore," Gretchen says, shrugging her shoulders and letting out a long sigh. "You were together for as long as you've been apart, if there's still something there, I wouldn't take that for granted."

"She's the one who broke up with me."

"I know."

"She left."

"I know."

"I don't love her anymore."

Gretchen stays silent, and Janis cuts off the call before the tears fall down her cheeks, before she curls up on the couch and cries again over the same thing she's cried over multiple times when it was happening. She isn't supposed to feel like this, but there's a lot she isn't supposed to be doing right now.

She's been building her life back up again only to have it crash around her again like it has five years ago.

-

( She's too soft.

She's never been anything  _ but _ soft, and somehow has been able to hide it for so long by pushing everything and everyone away. She learns when she's young that caring can make you weak, so she tries not to care at all.

Getting back to a place where it's allowed seems as hard as it is, but Regina's lucky to have people around her who understand that. And she doesn't do a 180, not even a 120, but she relaxes around friends.

It's important to her that Gretchen and Janis get that, because she hasn't been anything other than harsh to them in years, and others are just a side effect of it all.

Cady's not been around long enough to have experienced it a lot, but she seems like she's proud of Regina nonetheless, more so than Regina ever expects it. Aaron takes everything with a grain of salt for a while, but reasons that if Janis can accept it, he can, too. It seems more genuine than Regina's ever been, and at one point that becomes enough for him.

Somehow, the shift from fake to more natural in her everyday life easier than expected, and Regina can't say it's a bad thing, but not having the same reputation throughout her senior year stings her pride a little. She still demands respect, but it doesn't come packaged with fear. It's a change that Cady insists is good, but Regina can't agree with that for a long while. )

-

They fall back into a rhythm they can cope with, and a month later, it's not hard to sit in the same meetings and act professionally, but most of their communication is done through messengers they send to one another when Janis needs approval or when Regina wants to know what her plans are. 

People get tired of it quickly. Arthur refuses to go after the second time Janis tries to handle it through him, Regina's assistant is fed up with always having to come, even pitches the idea that it's really easy to walk twenty feet to Regina's office and handle all of this face-to-face. Quicker, too, she adds on her way out once.

It still goes on for a while, they manage to get everything in order.

Until one day Regina's assistant comes with the comment that the color is all wrong, and Janis tilts her head to the side, gets up from her chair and stalks into Regina's office while Fiona rushes behind her, warning her that Regina doesn't like when people come unannounced.

"The  _ color _ is wrong?!" Janis says, just as Fiona tries to introduce her with, "Ms. Sarkisian is here to see you, Ms. George."

"Yes, my eyes do work, Fiona. Leave us." Regina commands the same amount of respect she always has, Janis notes to herself. She's still standing tall and might be more intimidating than she has been, but that might also be the fact that they haven't spoken directly in weeks. "The shade is wrong. I asked for azure blue, not ocean."

"It's the same water," Janis replies, narrowing her eyes at Regina.

"I can assure you it is not. The shade is completely different, azure is visibly lighter, there's a reason why it's called that, you should know those things."

Janis wants to scream, to tell her that not everyone has been able to escape and see whatever sea or ocean they wanted to on a whim, to remind her that they've been living separate lives for a while now.

All she says in the end is, "Fine. I'll make it lighter," before going out of the office, walking to her own without even closing Regina's door.

-

( Regina has her first big project in the second semester of her freshman year, and while it's in the works, they barely see each other. When they do, they end up talking about school, so when Regina comes to her dorm one day, ready to blow off steam by ranting at Janis about how incompetent others are.

"Not everyone can have the same vision, babe," Janis reminds her, working on a painting as she listens to Regina talk, and only chimes in when she finds the need to.

"Maybe they should do what they're told to do in the first place, then," Regina sighs as if she's been defeated even after she says it, knowing that group projects are sent straight from hell to haunt every student. She just had to have it impact her whole grade with how much points it's worth. "Who in their right mind puts a group project for a fashion major to be the main source for grading?"

"Professors who love to torture their students," Janis gives her the reply readily. Regina just sighs and falls back onto Janis' bed, content with that answer. )

-

At a party in July, two months after Janis has started working there, she gets too drunk. The bartender keeps flirting with her and she falls for every like, letting her pour one cocktail after another, but ultimately knowing that it's all about getting drunk and not at all about the girl across the bar.

Towards the end of the night, she stumbles to the roof of the building, relieved to see it open. She doesn't notice Regina until it's too late to back up and she's already seen her. Leaving then would look comical, and childish, and Janis is neither of those. Or at least she's too drunk to be either.

"Hey," Janis says, and gets only a nod of acknowledgement in response. Regina is holding a glass of what looks like rosé, sitting on a bench in her tight black dress with her hair frustratingly natural. "Not socializing?"

"I'm pretty sure I've done enough of that for the night." There's something about Regina's voice that pulls Janis in closer, and she curses under her breath as she approaches, sits down next to Regina with a little distance on the bench between them.

"It's tiring, huh?" Janis isn't sure why she's actively trying to make small talk work between them, but it seems better than letting silence take over. Regina lets it, for a while, but Janis doesn't know why she hesitates. She tries to see it in her expression, but finds only that she can't read it anymore.

Regina nods after a minute or two, says, "Something like that," and stands up to leave.

"You're just leaving?" Janis asks, surprising even herself by it. She should let Regina go, enjoy the night on her own instead of seeking out an opportunity to awkwardly sit with someone she shouldn't want.

"What, like you wanted to talk to me?" It stings because Regina has read her when she can't do the same, but mostly it's the harshness of the words which surprises Janis. She doesn't have much ground to stand on when it comes to anger, that's Janis' field completely. Janis is almost offended at it, or she would be, if it weren't true.

"You're right, why would I want to talk with the woman who left five years ago without even so much as a decent explanation?" Janis says, shaking her head as she stands back up. She takes a moment to steady herself and then faces Regina. "That would just be ridiculous."

"I gave you my reasons," Regina says, "It's not my fault they weren't up to your standards." They look at each other from a step away, unable to find the words between the two of them. Perhaps everything's been said already, but Janis has thought of at least dozens of things she would tell Regina.

It's just that none of it is coming to her now when she's face-to-face, when it's not just her and her thoughts alone in the middle of the night.

"Newsflash,  _ this isn't the best thing for either of us _ is not a reason, Regina," Janis tells her, closing her eyes for a second before looking up again, most of her anger fading into sadness. "It's a half-formed excuse at best."

There's a primal urge inside her yelling to just leave, slam the door of the rooftop and never return to Regina's social sphere again. Or that's the most reasonable thing she can think of at the moment, but reason has no part in this conversation. Answers do, and she's getting none at the moment.

"It's been years, Janis. What do you want me to say?"

That she loves her, still. That she never wanted to leave. That it's the worst in a line of mistakes she's made in her life.

"That you're sorry," Janis says instead.

"I  _ am _ sorry. I've told you that at least ten times since we've broken up."

"Guess I just never believed you, then," Janis replies, sighing defeatedly. She wishes most of all that the tension between them can disappear, but that won't happen until their lives are untangled completely, into two parallel lines co-existing but never touching.

Until they're not near each other anymore, looking into each other's eyes like they're the only ones in the building, the city, the country; until the rest of the world stops turning.

Amidst all of the options she has, Janis steps forward, pausing every thought in her brain when she kisses Regina. Time doesn't seem to have passed for that.

-

( This is the first mistake Regina makes: she tells Janis she loves her first. The fact that it's the first time she's ever said it doesn't escape her like the words had, without permission. There's a pause between them that neither is used to, until Janis smiles and says it back.

Regina notices that her expression goes from lust to confusion and then finally to contentment, but she doesn't make a verbal note of it. She remembers and questions it almost daily, but she never makes the mistake of saying it first again.

Ending their first phone call following that takes longer than normally, because they're both waiting for something, and seem to be stalling.

"I'll see you at school, then," Regina says, toying with the food in front of her.

"Yeah, tomorrow." Janis waits for a while, then sighs. "You could pick me up, you know."

"I totes can, I'll be there at 8:45," Regina agrees, putting her fork down. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah." Regina can imagine Janis nodding, maybe even smiling. "Okay, well... talk to you tomorrow. I love you."

When Regina exhales, it's a steady but long sigh, like she's been waiting forever to hear that. "Love you, too."

-

Their friends are all too oblivious until they walk into the school hand in hand. They never do it again, it's mostly a slip of judgement, but they don't actually care who knows even if they don't show it. Damian has known the whole time, of course, but that's only because Janis has told him and Regina isn't sure he wouldn't have figured it out on his own, anyway.

Gretchen actually screams when she sees them, and then hugs Janis because the look on Regina's face tells her not to even try. She doesn't say much about it, but she smiles at the two of them from time to time and makes sure to always leave the seat next to Regina in the cafeteria open for Janis.

Karen takes it a cue to tell Janis the relationship will be good for her because: "Think of what Regina can do for your fashion style." Regina shushes her quickly and shakes her head, not too eager to talk about their relationship. She's a private person, it turns out, even after all the walls have been knocked down.

Cady looks between them for a long while that day during lunch, squinting her eyes at them until Aaron whispers something to her. Regina guesses it's the quite obvious fact that she and Janis are dating. Mostly because Cady looks at them again with eyes wide and grins exuberantly. "I'm  _ so _ happy for you," she tells them, and Janis says, "Thanks, Caddy," while Regina doesn't acknowledge it but for a small smile, and maybe that's another mistake. )

-

They end up in Regina's apartment that hasn't changed a bit since the last time Janis has been there. The shelves on the walls are still filled with the same books and magazines, there's still a crack on the living room coffee table from when Aaron fell onto it during a heated game of Twister, and Regina's bedroom is still filled with Janis' paintings like that's where they belong.

"I can't believe you  _ still  _ haven't changed the mattress," Janis tells her while she's taking her shirt off, throwing it to the floor without a second thought.

"I haven't used it a lot, I mostly wasn't in the city," Regina shrugs, pulling Janis down on top of her and grabbing her face with her hands. "Are you here to rehash what needs to be changed in the apartment or to fuck me?"

"The second one, definitely," Janis replies hastily, leaning forward to kiss Regina. It starts out gentle, sweet, almost caring, but by the end of the night none of the touches are careful but rushed, like their hands are making up for the lost time somehow.

-

( Sex is where things start with the two of them. Not immediately, not at the New Year's party, but a week later, when there's still something left unsaid between them. There's another party they go to, and it's not dull to anyone except for them, who keep stealing glances of each other throughout the night until Regina decides enough's enough.

She pulls Janis with her to the bathroom because there's no need to deny anything anymore. People don't see them, not as far as she's aware, and she doesn't quite care if they do. It's a mixture of the alcohol and Janis wearing a tighter shirt than usual, and she'll end up caring the following day, but right there and then, she concentrates only on the immediate present.

Regina's kind of gone through gay panic when they were thirteen and too close to each other, and denial's been the name of her game throughout high school, dating guys she doesn't care about was just a song she needed played in the background to keep up appearances. So she's far from denial, but she's also not aching to come out at a random party where everyone's too drunk to stop playing beer pong like their life depends on it.

From there, it evolves into something different—watching movies at Regina's, Regina doing her homework in Janis' garage while she paints, Janis staggering after Regina at the mall when she needs to buy a new article of clothing.

But it never strays far off from ending up in someone's bed or bathroom, or the dressing room of a store. It starts with it, and ends every time, because for the first month or so, that's the only way they know how to communicate.

When it turns into late night talks and dinners out, Regina is the first to admit they're an unlikely pair. Not because they've hated each other for too long a time, but because no one would expect her to date someone whose fashion choices are bad enough that getting paint on them actually makes them better.

Janis learns to laugh and shake that off, because Regina doesn't fully mean it, and she can tell because Janis will come to school in jeans shorts and suddenly Regina will be all over her. Either she's lying, or getting used to it, and Regina will never admit to either, but she won't deny them.

Both of them where any choice leads them to, so it doesn't truly matter what they're saying, not what always follows out of it.

So it starts with lust.

It seems fitting it ends there, too. )

-

It doesn't end.

Janis runs into Regina in the toilet at work two days later, and they're dancing around each other, trying to get around without success. The dance of moving left and then right and left again at the same time ends with Regina putting her hands on Janis' arms and turning them around.

"There," she says, but doesn't let go. Janis looks around, all of the stalls are open which indicates no one is there, so she mumbles a, "Fuck it," and leans in to kiss Regina. She's got nothing to lose and everything to gain, and her impulse control's been less than ideal, anyway.

Regina indulges her, and Janis ends up wiping Regina's lipstick off her face afterwards before she walks out not long after Regina.

This time, she texts Damian about it. The first time's a fluke, an error in judgement, and she doesn't bother telling him anything, but the second is more serious, and a terrible idea overall. She sends  _ Help! Had sex with Regina at work _ and Damian immediately calls her like there's no other thing on his mind.

"Spill," he instantly says when she picks up.

"Don't freak out, but that night after the party when I told you the party ran long and that's why I was heading home at six in the morning? I was with her."

"You dirty little liar," he sounds surprised as he says it, but mostly his tone conveys intrigue, so Janis continues.

"That would've been fine, we never had break-up-sex that you claim to be necessary, but today she just put her hands on me and I decided my pride wasn't worth it and just... in the toilet, Damian. What's happening to me?"

"Is she as good as before?"

"Is that the only thing you're dying to ask?" Janis rolls her eyes, shaking her head as she sits back in her chair. No work is going to get done today, not after what's happened.  _ Of course _ the sex is as good as before, maybe it's even better, but she's not exactly aching to tell Damian that. She'd much rather talk about the impending panic attack building inside her.

"Worth a shot. You haven't had closure, this is totally natural. Plus, good sex is hard to pass up, no matter who the person is."

Janis reasons that it might be so, but Regina still broke her heart and she shouldn't still feel like this. She should search for closure, maybe that'll end this feeling once and for all.

But she doesn't.

Instead, they end up at Janis' apartment, or Regina's, or the bathroom of whatever venue their magazine throws a party at, and words aren't quite coherent when they do. In those moments, neither of them carex that they've been apart for years, because their bodies remember it all like it was yesterday.

-

( Regina helps Janis move into the dorm because she's been in New York for a week already and she's missed her.

Well, Regina helps oversee the moving of boxes while Janis' parents and her do all of the heavy lifting. She starts organizing the room before all of the stuff is even in there, and Janis sighs as she rearranges most of the things afterwards. Her roommate's still not arrived, so Regina spends the night with her, cramped in the small bed but not really complaining about it.

"I don't understand why you just wouldn't stay with me at the apartment, there's an actual bed there that fits more than a half a person," Regina says that night, when Janis is behind her with an arm thrown over her stomach.

"It's not practical. Living on campus will give me more free time, and it's just in a room I have to share with someone."

Janis sounds confident, but Regina thinks she's scared. She is, too, but she doesn't think living together will endanger what they have. "Don't say I didn't warn you when you want to kill your roommate.

-

Janis ends up spending most of her college years at Regina's apartment, anyway. She wants to learn how to cook more than ramen, and Regina's kitchen proves to be great for that. They both learn a little something, even though Regina doesn't quite understand the need for it when she can always just order food, but she goes along with it.

Besides, it's time spent with Janis in between both their busy schedules, and it's spending one night a week in the same place turns into three, then four and then most nights together, waking up in each other's arms or as far apart as they can be, depending on how hot it is outside.

Regina wants to suggest in their fourth year that Janis should officially move in instead of keeping spare clothes there and about a dozen textbooks, but she never gets around to it the summer before because something different is bothering her: Janis seems discouraged.

She tries to ask about it, but Janis insists everything's fine and underestimates Regina's ability to tell when she's lying. At this point, they've been together for three and a half years, and they both know each other like the backs of their hands. Regina can't take it anymore one night in July, when she shows up on Damian's doorstep.

"She's settling," Regina says. Damian lets her in immediately, pours them two glasses of wine and leads Regina to the living room. "Some asshole rejected her painting for an exhibition and she's settling. She's settled for a different school, and now she's going on about some graphic design like that's all she's ever wanted. It's  _ easier _ to find a job that way."

"Is she painting?"

"I haven't seen her pick up a brush in the past two weeks and I've been making sure I look sexy in the mornings so she gets some...  _ inspiration _ . It's not working," Regina tells him, downing her wine in two gulps. "It's not her first rejection, but something about this one's hit harder than the ones before and she won't tell me  _ what it is _ ."

Damian crosses a leg over the other, shaking his head. "Have you asked directly?"

"Well, no, but I made it clear I was there if she wanted to talk."

"I think she knows she can talk to you," Damian rolls his eyes. "You're basically living together, you've taken the flag of the one she tells everything."

"Not this," Regina says. "What if she's settling for me? What if that's all this is about?"

"Don't be ridiculous, modesty doesn't become you," Damian tells her, placing a hand on her knee. "Why would she be settling for you?"

"I don't know, I just don't want her to give up on her dreams because it's easier. And I don't think getting accepted for a prestigious internship helps when she gets rejected for these things. I can't imagine living in the shadows of my light."

Damian looks at her like he wants to tell her to drop the act, and Regina agrees, she really does. She's the one who came running to his doorstep desperate enough, confiding in him her insecurities. So she adds, "Because I'm the only person she's been with," so quietly, Damian has to lean in to hear it.

Ridiculous or not, Regina's had experiences to point her in the right direction. Janis has only ever had her. )

-

They're lying in Janis' bed one morning, because Regina hasn't had time to escape before Janis woke up. They're not next to one another, there's space between them because this is still something foreign in the familiar, and Janis has  _ some _ semblance of boundaries.

"I can't go through this again," she tells Regina suddenly. "This familiarity, the falling back into a pattern from before, I just can't."

She hears Regina sigh even though she isn't looking at her, and places a hand on her forehead. "God, what are we  _ doing _ ?" She asks, and it's mostly rhetorical, but Regina answers nonetheless.

"You can stop it anytime," she mumbles, running her fingers through her hair. "But I'm not the only one enjoying it, am I?"

Janis groans in lieu of a reply before she sits up and turns to look at Regina. "Why did you leave?"

A new, unfamiliar silence settles between them, coursing through the air as Regina refuses to answer. She refuses to even look at Janis.

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because you turned my life on its head, I want to know whether it was worth it, ruining someone's life twice." It's not fair bringing up something she's forgiven Regina for years ago, but Janis doesn't even pretend to resist the urge.

"It wasn't," is the only thing Regina tells her before getting up to get dressed and leaving her apartment.

-

( Regina tries for a month before it gets tiring. Every sign points to her being a nuisance about it, and she doesn't want that. So she lets it go. In a way, their life is better for it, because Janis doesn't lie to her anymore, and she takes her out to new places to try new things.

In a way, it's the best year of their dating.

In another, it's the worst. The doubts in Regina's mind double, then triple, and then she finally breaks when she's catching up with Gretchen in Chicago, crying, for the first time, in front of her. "I just don't want her to hate me," she says through sobs. Gretchen holds her for a long while before she can manage to calm down, and then asks, "Why would she?"

"She's not living the life she wants, Gretch," Regina replies easily. "She's giving up her dream for something that can get her a job, and I can't get her to admit that so she keeps lying to me. Maybe she's even lying to herself, I don't know at this point."

"And you're worried you're a part of that life she doesn't want?"

"No." If there's anything Regina never doubts, it's that Janis loves her, loves being in her life. "I'm worried I'll get associated with things that have made her switch courses and she'll end up resenting me."

Gretchen doesn't say it, but Regina can see that she think that's insane. "You make each other better, you're like inseparable at this point. Janis couldn't hate you even when she was supposed to."

"But what if she does?"

"Don't pretend like this has any of her interest at heart, Regina. We're twenty-two years old, and you're shielding your own pride in a four-year relationship you would have died for yesterday." )

-

Janis takes a couple of days off. It's to clear her head, but she says she's sick and would work from home, even though no work gets done in trying to avoid Regina. It's a cowardly thing to do, sure, but it's also easier than having to face her daily. So she takes Thursday and Friday off, and then the weekend comes, and four days pass before she hears from Regina again.

_ I'm sorry _ , she sends in a text. Like Janis needs it, or even wants it at this point. Regina's said that more times than Janis can count, but she's never once believed her. You don't leave someone you love and then expect them to believe your apology, that just doesn't happen.

She still texts back,  _ What for? _ just to be sure.

Regina doesn't answer for a while, and when she finally does, it's a simple,  _ Everything _ , that doesn't satisfy Janis. She doesn't reply that night, but the first thing she does when she gets to the office on Monday morning is head to Regina's office. She's there, of course, and she has the decency of being shocked.

"What's everything?" Janis asks; simple and encompassing.

"Leaving, mostly. Coming back again. Making you believe like there's no rhyme or reason to it all. Thinking me leaving will ultimately be better for you, but you never altered your course back to the original plan, I see that now."

Janis doesn't look for more than that, doesn't ask anything. She just leaves Regina's office and goes to her own, delving into work like it's the only thing she needs to do, because it's the only thing she can do.

When she gets back to her apartment, and overanalyzes every single word Regina's said that day. She gets stuck on "you never altered your course back" and thinks about what it can mean. She remembers them talking in senior year about how Regina would love to work for a fashion magazine, and how she's said that she would love to just be able to paint and be an artist.

She's not far from it, but most of her art is digital now and involves less actual drawing than she would have hoped for. She doesn't remember the last time she picked up a brush and a canvas and it actually turned into something.

Regina calls her twice, because she doesn't answer the first time. "What?" It's not the nicest way to answer the phone, but they're well past pleasantries.

"You wanted me to explain, and then left before I could," Regina tells her. "Do you still want me to?"

It's what she's wanted for years, but now she's not sure she needs to hear it. She says, "Yes," anyway, despite herself.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Regina starts, and Janis snorts in response. "I know I did, trust me, I  _ know _ . But in the long run, it was better to do that five years ago than be with you for years and you ending up resenting me."

"Why would I?"

"Because you weren't living the life you imagined. Because I was in the life that you were settling for, and I was ready for you to hate me because of leaving, but there wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to feel you resenting me."

"So you were being selfish?"

"I guess."

-

( It starts on New Year's Eve, and ends in the midst of the hottest day in the summer, as if the weather is working against Regina somehow. She asks Janis to meet her at the park they like to go to, sometimes, mostly because it seems like a nice place to end things. It's crowded enough that they won't have privacy to talk, not really, and that's exactly what Regina is aiming for.

Janis comes, smiling at her when she sees her, and Regina finds it so much harder to break things off. She's broken up with people before, but never ones she cares about, not ones she loves. Mostly, she knows, because she's never actually been in love until Janis.

So she starts immediately.

"I asked you here today because," and Janis interrupts her before she can say anything else with, "Jeez, are we at a funeral? Cheer up."

Regina casts her gaze downwards, and inhales. "Oh my god," Janis says, "you're breaking up with me."

There's an order of things that happen before they're able to read each other, and Regina's always thought it was a good thing until now. Because now she can't even find the words she's been needing to say, since Janis has beat her to it with her realization. So she just nods and replies, "Yeah."

"Why?"

"It's just not working out anymore." Regina can see in Janis' eyes that she doesn't believe it for a second, because they're in this thing together and she knows what it still feels like. Like home, like the only place they ever want to be. "It's not in our best interest to continue this."

Janis actually laughs. "Bullshit," she says, looking directly into Regina's eyes. "Why?" She asks again, more frustrated this time.

"We're heading in different directions."

Janis leaves, but it's only because Regina's already far too gone.

And Regina's pretty sure she's dying.

She's been hit by a bus, has had to wear a spinal halo, couldn't do much without physical therapy afterwards, but nothing has ever felt like when she wakes up and, for the first time in months, Janis isn't there.

They've spent nights apart—of course—in their years of dating, but never with the implication that it won't happen again. She wakes up, turns around and misses a beat that's supposed to be there. It's her own doing; that hurts the most.

Saturdays feel emptier just like Sundays, and then Mondays, and you get the drift. Empty becomes the main thing on Regina's mind, and empty becomes her, too. She tries to fill herself with one-night-stands and clothes and tequila, but all paths lead to an empty home and no one to wake up to.

It takes a while to not check Janis' social media accounts obsessively even though she has notifications for them on. Weeks and months pass until she turns them off because, ultimately, any post Janis makes is doing harm do Regina in a way she never sees coming. Maybe she's blind, or maybe she just doesn't want to see; the feeling never leaves, either way.

She learns to live without expecting, at least once per week, to wake up to Janis painting (her or the view outside, or something entirely different). She learns she's not great at making coffee and starts buying it instead, because the taste doesn't match what Janis can make, anyway, so she might as well pay for the luxury of it. She learns not to buy vodka anymore when she's at the grocery store after she gives away four full bottles to people she visits.

Mostly, she learns she can't blame Janis for any of that because Regina is the one who ended things between them, no matter what the reasoning was behind it. )

-

( She flies more than she has to for her job, but somehow manages to convince her bosses that it's absolutely crucial she does. She's in Paris when she stays more than a week and falls in love with everything about the place. She's been there before, but never once has she seen it in this light.

In her second week there, Regina meets Adrienne, an artist whose sole purpose in life seems to be igniting the sparks of rebellion wherever there is some. She stands no chance of resisting.

Beneath the streetlights where she first sees her, Regina notices a hint of something all too intriguing and doesn't let herself stop and think why that is. She's met people before, went on dates and found them dull enough never to repeat, but Adrienne makes her wish for more.

They end up dating for two and a half months when Adrienne whispers, "Je t'aime," into her ear when they're dancing at a party and Regina freezes. The feeling in the pit of her stomach can't lie when her mouth is ready to, so she stops entirely and only replies with a, "Please, not now."

It's days before Adrienne musters the guts to ask when, exactly, and Regina has to swallow hard before shaking her head. "I don't know," is all she says before Adrienne leaves her.

"Call me when you do, maybe it won't be too late."

She doesn't miss Adrienne the way she misses Janis, not even close. She misses the little things like going to parties with someone holding her hand, or kissing her underneath the starry sky, but she can find that in anyone. It follows, then, that it's not worth it in the end to examine if she'd ever fall in love with Adrienne.

She won't. )

-

"I guess. But I did it for you, mostly. Because maybe you'd see that graphic design wasn't better than painting for you. Or that it's not what you want."

The answer is more articulate than Janis would have expected, and she throws her head back, mulling it over. "You can't tell me leaving was for my own good in the same breath with admitting it was selfish."

"Feelings overlap. I never wanted to look into your eyes and find resentment, and I suppose that didn't work, because that's all I see now, anyway."

"Regina George, talking about feelings..."

"Oh, fuck you, you know me. I've talked to you every day for years, I've told you everything there is about me," Regina rushes to reply, and Janis breaks into a small smile. "I tried every country that would have me with the excuse of my job to escape from letting you go, and none of it worked."

"It's a little hard to trust that when you've just admitted to leaving because things didn't look good."

"Then let me prove it to you again."

Janis gives her the benefit of the doubt, because five years is a little hard to throw out the window, it seems.

-

( Regina takes Janis on their first real date, as she insists on calling it, six months into their relationship. She books a table at a restaurant Janis would never go to herself, but the food is incredible and Regina swears by it.

She also pouts to get her way, which works like a charm every time, and she uses it for many things after she figures that little detail  out.

It's a dimly lit restaurant where food is overpriced but worth every penny, and Janis and Regina don't stop talking. It's the most they've talked in one night, and Regina never wants it to stop. It's the combination of good food and better company, and though they've spent time alone more than they've been with others in the past few months, it's the most comfortable they've felt around each other because Regina fits into this restaurant like she was made to be taken out to fancy places, and Janis somehow fits into her perfectly enough that the place doesn't matter too much.

They walk around the city afterwards for hours, holding hands. Janis gives Regina her jacket when she sees her shiver in the unexpectedly chilly summer night.

She still has that jacket in her closet, though she's not worn it in years. )

-

They go out two weeks later, but they don't stop talking. Janis refuses to give in and sleep with Regina again until they've made sure they're covering all other bases first. They talk about their lives in the five years since they've seen each other, and Regina tells her about all the travel she's done while Janis talks about the different places she's worked at.

It slips at one point that maybe she'd want to go back to painting, but never gets past that point. Janis knows that Regina's counting it as a victory, because despite what she's believed, she still knows Regina.

When they finally go on their date, it's a restaurant Janis has been at for work engagements before, but the hostess leads them to the back of the room where a table is set differently and they some sort of privacy.

"Oh my god, this is just like our first date," Janis exclaims as soon as the hostess has left them alone.

"So you agree, you think that was our first date?" Regina can't resist asking as she sits down.

"Shut up," Janis laughs, shaking her head. "How did you remember how it looked?"

"I still have your paintings," Regina reminds her. Janis can barely remember painting the restaurant, but she knows it's out there, a gift for Regina on their one-year anniversary.

Janis smiles, looks down and then says, "I can't believe you've kept those, you know."

"What else would I have done?"

-

They don't stop talking after that. In the coming months, they go out more than they stay in because it may have started with sex—again—but neither of them lets it end on that. They don't even tell Damian about it until it's two months into their new old relationship, and he finally notices something, and Janis has to cave.

It's lowkey, she tells him, because they're easing back into this thing. They couldn't just fall into the same thing they had before, but she says it feels like it's heading that way again. She tells him she loves Regina, still, and that they both know that, but they're being careful.

Regina, she says, is more careful than her, because she's the one who led them to their end, but Janis admits that she's also the one who ultimately led them to their new beginning, a better one.

And then she says something Regina doesn't even know: she's been painting. Between her work load and dating, it's hard to find time when she's all up for it, but it's a start, anyway.

Damian all but squeals at that last part, but Janis is sure it's not just directed at it.

-

( After six months of re-dating, Regina takes Janis to Paris. It's only fitting she takes the girl she's in love with to the city that she's in love with, it's time for them to meet.

They spend three consecutive days in Louvre, and Regina is exhausted of looking at art for so long, but she lets Janis enjoy it all she wants and keeps her complaining to a minimum. They sit on a bench there on the third day, near the end of their tour, and Janis is looking at her like there's something she wants to say, so she asks, "What?" and Janis just shakes her head as she says, "Nothing."

Regina smiles at her, watching her watch the art around them, and it all finally falls back into place it was before the turbulence.

She wakes up, finally, to Janis painting the view outside of their hotel room, and all the pieces of the puzzle align. Later that day, they're walking down a path in one of Regina's favorite parks that's never crowded, and Regina grabs Janis by the arm to stop her.

"Wait, I want to ask you something," she explains, making Janis turn to face her and she smiles widely once she does. "Do you like Paris?"

"Why did you need to stop to ask that?"

"That's not the question," Regina admits, taking a deep breath in. She swallows hard, and starts again. "Janis, I feel like I've loved you for most of my life. The years away have hurt more than I could've imagined, and getting back with you has been a dream."

"Don't you dare," Janis stops her before she can say anything more. "Don't you dare pretend like you're totally fine with proposing, I know you've been dreaming of a perfect proposal since you were six years old and learned about it. And I know that's changed, but I also know you'll regret doing it, so just let me. But now you've ruined it and have to wait until at least the semblance of surprise has been restored."

Regina grins as she looks down to the ground, and then back to Janis again, nodding. "Fine."

"Fine."

She always did want to be the one leaving with a diamond on her finger. )

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you've enjoyed it!! check [my tumblr](https://celiacarroll.tumblr.com/) out if you feel like it!


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